


Idée Fixe

by BadHope



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, leefelix!centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-01 08:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14516289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadHope/pseuds/BadHope
Summary: Random felix!centre fanfics





	1. Rules

1\. No Smut.

2\. I'm a busy person so please don't rush me. I want to enjoy writing and I want you to enjoy what I write, so please be patient.

3\. You can request any plot from extreme fluff to extreme angst, and any pairing as long as it's felix!centric. Both AU and nonAU are acceptable.

4\. For now it's only Stray Kids members but I may change this later and add other groups as well.

5\. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.


	2. Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Am I good enough?”
> 
> Or
> 
> Where Felix is struggling with low self-esteem and negative thoughts until it becomes too much to handle.

Felix laid down on his bed tired from long hours of practicing. If it wasn’t for Woojin’s nagging he probably wouldn’t even take a shower as every muscle in his body screamed for mercy. However, being the caring person that he is, Woojin helped the younger boy go to the bathroom so he could clean himself. 

“We are going to order some food so come to the kitchen when you’re finished.” Woojin said giving the other male a soft smile.

Felix nodded weakly and locked himself in the bathroom. With a heavy sigh he turned the shower on and took off his clothes. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and couldn’t feel anything but disgust towards himself.  

_ Look at yourself. You are so fucking ugly no wonder nobody wants to be anywhere near you. The other guys don’t want to look at you. Chan hates you because you are just a brat that he has to take care of. And Changbin doesn’t want anybody to see you two together. He is so ashamed and disgusted he would rather spend time with Hyunjin. But how can you blame them? Look at yourself. You are just a pathetic piece of trash. Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. _

Felix shook his head trying to stop the tears. He quickly washed himself and cried as quietly as he could. When he was finished, he splashed his face with some cold water and went back to his bedroom. Luckily, Seungmin and Jisung were in the living room with the others. Hearing their laugh made the rapper feel even worse. He got changed and curled up on his bed, covering himself with a blanket.

_ Look at yourself. You are just a pathetic piece of garbage nobody cares about. Hear that? That’s them laughing at you. When will you finally understand that no one needs you and no one cares about you. _

Gritting his teeth Felix whimpered a small  _ stop  _ as fresh tears started gathering in his eyes. He hated those moments when things would get out of control and he couldn’t bring himself to wake up from this nightmare. Just as he was about to turn on his back he felt someone grabbing his shoulder. His eyes flew open and he froze in his spot.

“What’s wrong sweetie? Not feeling too well?” Chan’s soft voice echoed in the room. “We ordered food but you didn’t come to eat with us.”

Felix slowly sat up and nodded, trying to avoid a direct eye contact.

“I fall asleep… And had a nightmare…” Whilst it wasn’t a complete lie, the younger boy still felt bad about lying to his leader who looked genuinely worried about his band mate upon seeing the younger’s red and puffy eyes.

“It’s alright baby, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Come here.” The older male pulled Felix onto his lap and wrapped him in a tight hug. “What scares my little koala?”

Felix smiled weakly and laid his head on Chan’s shoulder, sighing heavily. This was the part he hated the most. He had to make excuses in order to avoid having to explain himself, and telling the truth he didn’t want anybody to know.

“A monster…”

Chan nodded and kissed the other’s forehead.

“It’s alright, don’t be scared. You know that I won’t let any monster hurt you.” Covering the other boy with a blanket Chan started humming softly. “Now, try to get some sleep okay? Hyung will stay with you so monsters won’t be bothering you anymore.”

Felix nodded and closed his eyes. Little did Chan know the monster that bothered the younger boy was actually Felix himself.

* * *

 

Felix sat down on the couch leaning against its armrest. The group had a day off so they wanted to spend it together watching movies and eating junk food. After some complaining they finally decided to watch a horror movie despite strong protests from Jisung. Felix would join him as he also wasn’t a big fan of horror movies, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Besides, he will probably space out for most of the film so there was no point anyway. 

He glanced at the other side of the room where Hyunjin and Changbin were sitting together, laughing quietly at each other. The younger boy felt a weird sensation in his stomach upon seeing the other two together having fun.

_ See? They don't need you. Changbin doesn’t want to be anywhere near you. No one wants to be. They are ashamed and disgusted. You should never be part of this group. They deserve so much more but you are holding them back. JYP did the right thing by eliminating you but he should never let you come back. _

Felix bit his bottom lip and quickly turned around so no one would notice his eyes that started to get glossy.

“Hey, are you alright? Do you want to watch something else instead?” Chan took the empty spot next to him, placing a hand on his knee.

“Nah, it’s fine. At this rate we are going to spend more time arguing about what to watch rather than actually watching it.” Felix grinned widely at the leader, hoping that his fake smile was convincing enough.

Chan chuckled and lifted his arm up, making some space for the younger boy. “Come here~”

Felix rolled his eyes playfully and leaned against Chan who wrapped his arm around him, squeezing tightly. “What’s with you and all the hugging?” The younger boy asked in English.

“Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

“True, you give the best hugs mate.”

“Thanks mate.

* * *

 

For the next few days things only got worse for Felix. He would barely eat anything, couldn’t sleep and even when he did manage to close his eyes, it was only for an hour or two and it was far away from being a peaceful sleep. He didn’t miss the looks the other boys were giving him. And he hated each one of those gazes. Full of pity as if telling him  _ You are pathetic. Look at yourself. Why are you even here? _

His anxiety was the only thing that occupied his mind, and because of that he couldn’t focus on anything else. So, when it came time for practicing, he was making mistake after mistake. Even though everyone was trying to be supportive and encourage him, Felix knew better. He knew that deep down they hated him and they don’t want him to be in the group. So when at one point Minho snapped and screamed at him in front of the rest of the guys, Felix wasn’t surprised.

“Felix, can you do me favor and finally wake up?! We have a performance in a couple of days and you are just a mess! Just because you are screwing up doesn’t mean you have to drag us down with you!”

Felix didn’t remember how long the silence was. It felt like hours but it was probably just a couple of seconds before Bang Chan and Woojin marched towards Minho with shocked expressions on their faces. Felix felt Changbin’s hand grabbing his own, trying to get a look at his face.

“Lix, are you okay? What’s going on?”

The younger boy only shook his head, taking a sharp and shaking breath as he spoke with a quiet tone.

“I-I’m sorry hyung… I-I…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. Black spots appeared in front of him as everything around started to spin. His breaths became short and shallow and when his legs gave up under him, Felix was convinced he was just going to hit the floor. That didn’t happen however. Instead, a pair of strong arms embraced him tightly and gently guided him down, so he could sit down and lean against the other person.

Changbin hugged him close to his chest, one hand caressing his back and the other petting his hair. He whispered comforting words into the younger rapper’s ear hoping that it would calm him down and help him bring his breathing back to normal.

“It’s okay Lix, just take slow and deep breaths for me, okay? Hyung is here. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” Changbin looked up as the other members gathered around with Jisung and Chan crouching next to them. Soft cries, probably from Seungmin and Jeongin, could be heard as Woojin tried to calm them down. Hyunjin wrapped a distressed Minho in a hug, even though his own self looked scared as well.

“Felix, can you look at me?” Bang Chan carefully cupped the younger boy’s face in his hands, gently lifting his head up and caressing soft cheeks. “Everything is going to be okay, we are all here with you.” He whispered using English so the younger boy could easily understand.

After spending few more minutes hugged by Jisung, Bang Chan and Changbin, the Australian boy felt a bit calmer. He stopped crying and glanced around the room to see his friends look at him with sadness in their eyes.

“I’m sorry everyone for causing you trouble... “ He whimpered quietly and looked back down at his laps.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Changbin squeezed his hand in a reassuring manner. “Just please tell us what’s going on. You have been acting weirdly for the past couple of days. You don’t smile and you don’t joke around with us anymore. And it hurts us so much to see you like this.”

“We are your family.” Han leaned his forehead against Felix’ shoulder. “Talk to us.”

“B-But....” Felix stuttered for a moment. “It’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t matter.” The leader interrupted with a stern voice. “Whatever it is, it makes you upset. Therefore, we have to talk about it and do something so you won’t feel sad anymore.”

“I just… Am I good enough? I feel like I’m burder to all of you. Like I don’t deserve to be here with you guys. All of you are so talented at many things, meanwhile I’m just a weird, ugly Australian kid with a deep voice who can’t do anything right.”

Felix felt fresh tears forming in his eyes and the lack of response from the others didn’t help. He started to regret saying what he said when he found himself in another tight hug, this time involving all the members.

“Oh sweetheart you should have told us sooner, you know we would have helped you.”

At that point something in Felix broke. The wall he built around himself started to crumble and it terrified the rapper because it meant losing control over his own thoughts and feelings, and revealing the painful and dark truth he was able to hide for so long.

He freed himself from the embrace and got up surprising the others. He took a few steps before turning around and looking at their faces.

“What did you want me to tell you?! That I feel like the most worthless and useless person on Earth?! That every time I walk outside and see a car or a river I ask myself what’s there to stop me from jumping?! I’m sorry I’m so fucked up and I’m sorry that you all have to put up with me, I’m really sorry for everything I said and did! Hell, most of the things I just said probably make no sense but I don’t even care anymore! I just wish I could go back in time and stop myself from being born but sadly I can’t!”

The shocked expressions and eyes full of sadness that stared right back at him broke Felix completely. He shut his eyes tightly and kneeled down in front of everybody without noticing how they slowly moved towards him.

“I’m sorry, I just want to be as good as you guys are. I don’t want to be the weakest...”

Yet again he found himself in another group hug but this time he could feel and hear the others were crying as well.

“Felix, I’m so sorry…” Changbin whispered next to him. “I’m sorry, we are all sorry.” The situation reminded the younger rapper about his elimination and how heartbroken Changbin sounded when he clung onto Felix apologizing for what happened. Felix still has no idea why he would ask for forgiveness when the whole situation wasn’t even his fault.

“Why are you apologizing, you didn’t do anything…”

“Exactly!” Changbin lifted his head up from the younger’s shoulder and looked at him with so much pain in his eyes. “Didn’t do anything… Didn’t do anything when you were suffering in silence right next to us. But we didn’t do anything to help you…”

“Felix.” Bang Chan spoke with determination the younger boy never heard before in his voice. “ I don’t know what or who made you feel that way, but I just want you to know that you are one of the best, most hardworking and most talented people that I have ever met. You have improved so much and it’s only been like a year since you came here. You are a great rapper and a great dancer, and I’m sure that if you will continue to work hard like you have been you will achieve even more. You just have to be patient and believe in yourself.”

“That’s right.” Jisung nodded enthusiastically, trying to smile widely. “You are also one of the sweetest and cutest person on Earth. The amount of love you have for everything that’s around you is just beautiful and admirable.”

“Every time you smile or laugh you make everyone around happier as well.” Hyunjin held the younger’s hand and played with his fingers. “And you know what? That’s something you can’t learn no matter how much you practice. And it is something you should be proud of.”

“Felix.” The boy lifted his head up upon hearing his name and saw Lee Know looking at him with nothing but regret in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for screaming at you. I was just stressed out and you did nothing wrong. Honestly, I was always jealous of you. You learned everything by yourself and you are so good. I wish I was born with a talent like yours.” The older boy scratched the back of his neck feeling his cheeks turning red.

“It’s okay, I understand.” Felix smiled shyly. “I will be more than happy to show you some moves that I learned back in Australia.” At that both of them chuckled.

“And let’s not forget what an awesome hyung you are!” I.N and Seungmin suddenly appeared in front of him with wide smiles on their faces. “You always worry about us and look after us even though you are not that much older. You always make us laugh with your weird dances and jokes, and it’s honestly just amazing how much positive energy you have in you.”

“And while you are a great hyung, you are also an adorable and cute dongsaeng.” Woojin joined in, wrapping an arm around the younger boy. “You are always so cute, wanting our attention but at the same time you have so much passion for everything you do on the stage. Whatever it is you always give your everything no matter how tired you are. When you are out there no one can take their eyes off you.”

Felix laughed as new tears showed on his face. But this time it was pure happiness as heavy weight was taken away from him. He felt light and free again. “You really think so?”

“Of course!” They said in unison, making everyone laugh.

The Australian dancer wanted to say more but was interrupted by a loud groan coming from Changbin who was standing above them.

“Can you all go away so I can talk to my best friend without you idiots around interrupting us?”

“Hey, he also belongs to us!” Jisung protested but Changbin only rolled his eyes.

“In your dreams squirrel.”

He sat down in front of Felix and grabbed both of his hands. “But more than anything you are my-”

Someone in the back cleared their throat and Changbin groaned again.

“Our, but mostly mine, little freckled angel who always makes us happy just by being himself. We have been with you all this time to see how much you have changed and your progress from day one until today. You are great and you will be even better as the time goes by. Just stay true to yourself and remember that if anyone will try to tell you otherwise, just ignore them and I will kick their asses.”

Felix bursted out laughing whilst trying to imagine Changbin actually being violent. The rest soon joined them as they sprawled across the floor with huge smiles on their faces.

“Thanks guys, I needed this.”

“No problem, just remember that we are all here for you so just talk to us. You don’t have to hide.” Chan ruffled the younger’s hair before getting up and looking at his group.

“Okay kids, as fun as that was we have to carry on with the practice. Come on!”

And even when everyone whined, complaining that the floor and cuddling with each other are too comfortable to move, Felix knew that they wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Fin.


	3. It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix is feeling sick but he doesn’t tell anybody, hoping that it will go away on its own. Unfortunately, things start to get worse and he has to be taken to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by: TentasticJimmy  
> I'm not sure if this is anywhere close to what you wanted but I hope that you will enjoy it. Also, I'm sorry it's so short.

It all started during the night with a small pain in the middle of his tummy. At first Felix thought that it wasn’t anything serious so he just took painkillers, had some tea and went back to his bed to take a rest. When he woke up a few hours later however, he knew things were getting serious. The pain travelled to his lower right-hand side, and became constant and much more severe. It got even worse when he stood up and tried to walk. He was lucky his roommates were in the other room watching tv, and didn’t witness this scene.

Taking a deep breath he slowly walked to the kitchen trying to act as normal as possible. He saw Chan and Changbin, already dressed up and ready to head out.

“Good morning Felix, had a nice sleep?” Changbin asked with a small smile which quickly turned into a frown when he saw his dongsaeng. “Are you okay? You look pale and your cheeks are red.” He stated and went to the younger boy with the leader right behind him.

“You are a bit warm.” Chan said as he placed his hand on the dancer’s forehead.

“I’m fine, it’s probably just stress and tiredness.” Felix replied and tried to smile to show that he was fine, but in reality he was anything but fine.

“Go back to bed, okay? We have to go now but I will tell Woojin hyung to bring you medicines and some food later, okay?” The leader patted the younger boy’s head as Changbin enveloped him in a quick hug.

“And if anything was wrong you have our numbers, so just give us a call okay?”

“Okay, thanks hyungs. You should go now.”

The other two nodded and went to get their bags, whilst Felix returned back to his room. He tried to ignore the pain and closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would overtake his body. But nothing was helping. Felix didn’t know how long he was lying like this trying to stop himself from whimpering, but he was startled when he heard the door open and someone was sitting on his bed.

“Hi there baby, Channie said you weren’t feeling too well so I got you some food and medicines.” Woojin smiled softly and handed him a glass of water together with a small pill.

Felix gratefully accepted it. He sat up with a grimace of pain on his face which didn’t go unnoticed by the older male.

“Hey, is it that bad? Do you want to go to the doctor?” The vocalist asked, worry clearly heard in his voice.

“No, it’s nothing serious. I just need some rest. Where are the others?” Felix replied, trying to change the topic.

“Chan, Binnie and Jisung went to the studio to work on new songs. Minho and Hyunjin went with them to practice new dance moves, and I.N went out with Seungmin to buy you some treats.”

“They didn’t have to…” Felix whispered, partially because he felt touched and partially because of all the pain.

“I know but they really wanted to. Now, it’s time to eat now before the food will get cold. I made you some porridge. It’s not the best thing on the world but it should help your tummy feel better.”

Upon seeing the food the Australian boy felt a strong wave of nausea, and it took all his remaining strength to control it. He lightly shook his head, trying to focus his gaze on something else.

“I’m not hungry…”

“Baby…” Woojin  pleaded with a soft voice. “I know you are not feeling well, but you need  to eat something. At least a few bites, hm? Pretty please?”

Felix nodded hesitantly. But just one spoon was enough to send a wave of excruciating pain through his already exhausted body. He quickly wrapped his arms around his stomach, shaking his head.

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t….”

“Hey, it’s okay. Try to lie down and get some sleep. If things won’t get better, we will go to the doctor.”

The younger boy nodded weakly and lied down as he was told. Woojin placed a small kiss on his forehead and left the room, leaving the younger boy alone.

After cleaning up the oldest member sat on the couch with a heavy sigh. He felt  vibration in his pocket so he took out his phone and unlocked it.

 

**_Channie:_ **

_Hey, how is he? Any better?_

**_Woojin:_ **

_Not really, he took the medicines but when I tried to feed him he could only eat one spoon of porridge. He is sleeping now._

**_Channie:_ **

_Okay, if things won’t get better give me a call and we will take him to the doctor._

 

The older man was about to send a reply but he put his phone down when he heard the bedroom door open with a loud thud, and a second later Felix ran out straight to the bathroom whilst covering his mouth with one hand and holding his stomach with the other.

“Felix?!” Woojin ran after him. As he entered the bathroom he saw the younger boy crouching next to the toilet, shaking and coughing violently.

With each cough Felix felt like his body is being torn apart from the inside. His stomach was pretty much empty and yet he couldn’t stop the nausea. Tears streamed down his face and he could feel Woojin was next to him caressing his back. But when the coughing stopped as quickly as it started, the Australian rapper felt waves of pain hitting his body one after another. He screamed in agony and wrapped his arms around his tummy, curling into a ball against Woojin’s chest.

The older male could only watch in horror as his friend was crying and begging for help. He reached for his phone to call an ambulance and cursed at himself upon realizing that he left it in the living room. He gently helped Felix lean against the wall, too scared that moving him will only make things worse, and rushed back to the other room. He saw Chan’s messages but he knew there was no time for explaining. He dialed the emergency number and ran back to the bathroom where Felix was still in the same position.

As they waited for the ambulance to arrive Woojin held the other close and caressed his back, hoping that it would help to calm him down and that his friend will be okay.

* * *

Woojin sat in the waiting room after Felix was taken for his surgery. Whilst nothing was yet confirmed, one of the paramedics told him that they suspect a burst appendix. He cursed under his nose at how stupid and naive he was. He should have taken him straight to the doctor, then Felix wouldn’t be suffering. Now not only he is in pain but there are chances that it’s too late and he will die from an infection.

On the way to the hospital he sent Chan a quick text, hoping that the others will be there soon because Woojin wasn’t sure how long it will take before he will completely break down, and he would rather have someone with a clear mind who will be able to talk to the doctors when the procedure will be finished.

“Woojin!” The oldest turned around to see the rest of the members run towards him. Chan and Changbin were the first ones that got to him. They sat on each of his sides looking more terrified than they ever were.

“What happened?!” Changbin shouted through tears.

“He couldn’t eat anything so I told him to sleep, and that we would see if things would get better. I went to the living room and then few minutes later he ran out to the bathroom. When I got there he was vomiting, coughing and crying, and he was in so much pain… And then he just curled up, couldn’t stop crying cause it was hurting him so much so I called an ambulance… “ Woojin took a shaky breath and forced himself to continue. “We don’t know for sure but they suspect it’s a burst appendix. And this can lead to internal infection… And… And we don’t even know if he will make it through... “ The vocalist started crying uncontrollably.

The other members looked at each other in total shock and disbelief. Bang Chan took out his phone to call their manager. Just yesterday they were all practicing and laughing together, everything was normal like always. And today it turns out they may never see their little sunshine again.  

They sat on the small, plastic chairs but no one said anything, as everyone tried to understand what’s happening. They leaned against each other seeking comfort and reassurance that everything will be okay.

* * *

Around two hours later the door opened and a doctor came out giving everyone a small but tired smile.

“Like it was suspected, your friend had a burst appendix. He was lucky there was no widespread of peritonitis. It’s a serious infection of the inner lining of the abdomen and it can be life-threatening. We will give him antibiotics as a precaution and he will have to stay in the hospital for about a week, but as long as he will rest and the wound will be cleaned he should be okay.”

Everyone let out a sigh of relief and nodded.

“You can go and visit him now, it’s room 303. I will come later to explain you what to do when he will go home. Now, if you excuse me, I have another patient waiting.” The doctor smiled politely and left the boys in the hallway.

* * *

They went to the room where Felix was placed. They smiled softly seeing their friend lying in white bed sheets, connected to various machines. Changbin pulled out a chair and sat next to the bed, holding the small hand in his own and caressing the soft skin.

“You can’t leave me angel. I love you too much and there are still so many things that we wanted to do together. So don’t even think about leaving your hyung here, understand?” He whispered and closed his eyes, as teardrops appeared on his face one after another.

Sitting on the couch, the other boys observed the scene in front of them. Seeing one of their friends in the hospital bed and the other crying next to him was a heartbreaking sight. Despite little amount of space they all squeezed in, not realizing when they fall asleep in each other’s embrace.

They woke up to the sound of soft whimpering and glanced at the bed where Felix was sitting up, being cuddled by Changbin. The Australian boy felt guilty when he had to comfort his crying friend, and even more when he looked at the rest of his members.

Before anyone said anything they all rushed towards him and hugged him tightly, making sure that his stitches were left intact.

“I’m sorry…” Felix whispered as tears formed in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for all the trouble…”

“You have nothing to apologize for silly.” Bang Chan looked at him with a big smile even though he was also crying. “But why didn’t you tell us that you were in so much pain? We could have done something sooner, and you wouldn’t have to suffer so much…”

“I wanted to, really... “ Felix answered. “But you were busy with work and I didn’t want to bother you even more. I thought it would go away but things got worse, and it was too late to do anything about it. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen…”

Hyunjin sat ext to him, wrapping him in a hug. “You are such an idiot, do you know that? It doesn’t matter how busy we are, if you are not feeling well or something is bothering you, come and talk to us.”

“Health is a priority.” Hyunjin exchanged his spot with Chan, allowing the leader to express how he feels.

“You have no idea how scared we were. You could have died…” The older quickly cleared his throat, as negative emotions started to come back. “Your life is so much more important than a song or a choreography. Doing any of that wouldn’t make sense anymore if you weren’t here with us in the first place. So don’t hide anything from us, no matter how small or big it is. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, thank you. I love you guys.” Felix nodded and smiled at everybody.

“We love you too, now try to get some rest.” Minho replied, watching as the younger boy tried to stop himself from yawning.

Felix nodded sleepily, and placed his head on Changbin’s shoulder. He smiled again when he felt a kiss on his cheek, probably from Changbin, and someone caressing his hands and hair. He never slept better.

 

Fin.


	4. There for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Felix is injured during the performance but keeps it away from everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by: Puer stella  
> Sorry it took so long, I had some personal issues.

This was meant to be a normal performance, just like any other they did so far. They were suppose to dance, sing and have fun. But nothing on that day went the way anyone was expecting it to go.

It was raining heavily all night and continued throughout the day. The stage was wet and Stray Kids members knew it meant one thing - high risk of slipping and getting injured.

“Be careful everybody. The stage is wet so don’t forget about that, and watch your every step.” Leader Chan told them before their performance was meant to start.

They all nodded in unison.

Everything was going smoothly. The song was almost over and Felix thought that it wasn’t as bad as he was expecting it to be. If he only knew how wrong he was.

Just before the last chorus, the Australian dancer felt someone crashing into his back and sending him straight onto the floor. Since he wasn’t expecting this to happen, he wasn’t prepared to absorb the impact. He landed on all fours, however his left hand was badly positioned. The next thing he knew a sharp pain travelled from his wrist and spread along his arm.

Felix bit his lip to stop himself from groaning and quickly got up, remembering that the stage wasn’t finished yet. He sent a small smile towards Changbin who looked at him in shock, almost like he was about to cry, and Felix figured it must have been the older boy who bumped into him.

Hoping that no one noticed how much pain he was in, Felix carried on with the performance, praying in his mind that it would finish as quickly as possible before he would collapse right then and there from the agonizing feeling.

When they went backstage to their waiting room, he quickly sat down one of the chairs, and massaged his wrist which swelled up drastically. The pain didn’t subside, it only got worse, and for a second Felix thought that it may actually be broken.

He quickly raised his head when Changbin crouched in front of him, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry, I slipped but I didn’t mean to push you. It was an accident, I swear I would never want to hurt you!” The older boy frantically tried to explain himself.

For a second Felix considered telling his hyung the truth but upon seeing the guilt and devastation on the other’s face, he changed his mind to not upset the older rapper even more, instead trying to cheer his friend up.

“I know it was silly, so you don’t have to apologize. It was just an accident that could happen to anybody. Besides, I’m okay so there is nothing for you to worry about!”

Felix smiled widely. He really wanted to wrap his arms around Changbin but since it was too painful to do so he opted to pat his friend’s head with his healthy hand.

Changbin looked like he was going to say something but was interrupted by their leader who stood next to them.

“Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah…” Changbin whispered and looked at Felix who replied with a big smile.

“Of course!”

Bang Chan let out a sigh of relief and smiled softly. “That’s good to hear. I’m glad you guys are okay, especially you Lix since that landing looked really painful.”

Felix stood up carefully, making sure is injured arm wasn’t being moved too much. Changbin stood up as well, watching his friend cautiously.

“Everything is okay captain, you don’t have to worry!”

The oldest of the three chuckled softly and pulled the younger boy against his chest, obvious to the pain it had caused him, and Felix had to bit his lip to stop himself from wincing. He let out a shaky breath and leaned his head on the older’s shoulder.

“How can I ever stop worrying about you guys? You are my babies, someone has to look after you.”

“Chan, never again call us that, I’m begging you.” Minho groaned as a soft ‘eww’ could be heard in the background.

After finishing a short interview they headed down a long empty hallway towards the exit. Luckily for them most of the other artists were in their changing rooms and the staff was busy with preparing for the last couple of performances.

Felix somehow managed to control the soreness of his arm, although the pain was now even more sharp and burning than before, and the boy hoped it will calm down on its own during the night, because he couldn’t imagine being in this state for the next days or weeks.

“Are you okay?”

The question surprised Felix who quickly looked towards his right where Changbin was walking next to him, arm loosely wrapped around his lower back.

“Yeah, why are you asking?”

“You just look pale, like you are about to collapse.”

“It’s nothing, I’m probably just tired.” Felix dismissed his friend’s worry with a soft smile.

Changbin only nodded but his gaze didn’t leave the younger boy’s face, as if too scared that something bad was going to happen. And he wasn’t wrong.

“Lix, help me!” Jisung screamed behind them where he was playing with Minho and Jeongin. As Jisung ran towards the pair he grabbed Felix’s injured wrist in an attempt to hide behind him.

The Australian dropped to his knees and held the injured arm close to his chest as stabbing pain travelled alongside it.

“Felix!” Changbin quickly kneeled next to him and wrapped his arms around the younger boy as the others rushed towards them.

“What’s wrong Lix, where does it hurt?” Chan tried to gently take the younger’s sore wrist into his hands. Accompanied by small whimpers, he delicately pulled the fabric of his sleeve, revealing swollen and painfully looking wrist.

Changbin gasped in horror and quickly bit his lip as tears formed in his eyes. It was probably the result of the incident that occurred earlier on the stage. How could he not notice anything? His friend was clearly suffering all this time, using smiles to hide it, and Changbin was so naive that he actually believed him. He should have checked better, asked more questions, maybe take him to the staff members so they could have a look at him. But he didn’t do that and now it was too late.

“Hey, Lix it’s okay. Just try to breath, yeah?” Chan’s soothing voice calmed Felix down but it wasn’t a surprise. The younger boy loved listening to his hyung, whether it was on the stage when he was rapping and singing, or when they were in the dorm and Chan would tell him stories from his trainee days.

“I will take him to the hospital and you guys will head home.” One of their managers said as he tried to to help Felix stand up. “Chan, you will come with us since you may have to translate things for him.”

The leader nodded without hesitation, wrapping his arm around the younger Australian who his his face in the older’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Bang Chan whispered, kissing mop of blonde hair. “We will go to the doctor and they will make the pain go away, okay? And I will be there with you, and nothing bad will happen.”

Felix only nodded weakly as both of them and their manager went to one of the vans and headed towards the hospital.

Chan and Felix came back home whilst their manager drove to the company to explain to them what happened. The younger foreigner had his wrist tightly bandaged up as the other wrapped his arm around his shoulder, squeezing it gently, in attempt to calm him down.

As both of them sat on the couch, the other members surrounded them immediately, eager to know what the doctor said.

“It’s badly sprained.” Chan began to explain. “It will need to be bandaged and we can also use painkillers, and ice to reduce the swelling. As long as the wrist is not being overworked and is given time to heal properly, it should be okay.”

The others nodded and smiled softly at the younger Australian who looked exhausted. Changbin sat next to him, wrapping his arms around Felix and letting the younger boy rest his head against Changbin’s shoulder.

“I’m really sorry baby, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Felix shook his head weakly. “I already told you, it’s okay. I know it was an accident, so please stop blaming yourself.”

“But when I asked if you were alright, you said yes though.” Chan interrupted, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

“I thought I was, I swear. I just felt a sharp pain but didn’t take it seriously. I fell down so obviously it had to hurt.” Felix took a shaky breath, grabbing the hem of his white t-shirt. The Australian boy looked up at the others, eyes full of tears.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell us anything?” Changbin took the younger’s healthy hand into his own and squeezed it gently.

“I didn’t want to worry you or the fans. I saw how excited everyone was and I couldn’t bring myself to ruin all the happiness.”

“Do you know how silly that was? I know you didn’t want to worry us but not telling us what’s wrong made things even worse. Being on stage and interacting with fans is important and fun, but health and safety are priorities. Seeing you suffer like this hurts us too, you know?” Changbin replied and shook his head. “Don’t scare us like this again.”

“We are your family and we will always be there for you, so don’t be afraid to talk to us.” Woojin whispered as him and the rest sat around Felix and enveloped him in a group hug.

Felix nodded and closed his, feeling his body relaxing as exhaustion slowly took over his body. He closed his eyes and smiled softly upon hearing his leader’s words.

“It’s okay, just sleep sweetie. We will take care of everything else.”

 

Fin.


	5. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not every smile is real. Some are fake, used to cover the pain and the suffering no one will ever know about.

_When you look at me you think about my smile._

_You think about my passion._

_You think about my love for you._

_But behind the closed doors, it’s just rain._

_There are no sun or rainbow._

_It’s just a constant storm._

_My thoughts battle against each other,_

_as I judge and calculate the risks and the consequences._

_I ask myself what’s the difference?_

_Why does it matter if it’s today_

_or in eighty years?_

_It’s not like anyone cares,_

_so I’m not scared of saying goodbye._

_But I’m scared of letting you go._

_I will never see your smile again._

_I will never hear your laugh again._

_You always had the answers to all my questions._

_So please tell me, what am I supposed to do?_

_I don’t want to stay here any longer._

_But I can’t leave without you either._

_I’m trapped and I’m suffocating,_

_I don’t know how long I can keep this act up._

_I can cry, I can scream, I can bleed._

_But you are too far away so you will never see me._

_Or hear me._

_They all think that I’m always happy._

_But they will never know what really happened._

_But maybe that’s a good thing._

_Because when the time will finally come,_

_I will know that in my last moments_

_I did something for those I loved._

_Something that I could never do for myself._

_I made them smile._

_For the last time._  
  
  
Felix smiled sadly as tears welled up in his eyes. He folded the paper in half and put it away into his notebook, together with similar pieces the world will never know about.

 

Fin.


	6. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stray Kids watch a scary movie. Felix secretly hates them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by: TentasticJimmy   
> I'm sorry, I tried to make it fluffy but I don't think it worked ;-;

Stray Kids finished their promotions and had a rare opportunity to take few days off and relax. On Saturday night Hyunjin suggested that they watch a horror movie called Grave Encounters. Whilst it was one of the older movies, he read the reviews and the plot, all indicating that it’s something worth watching. The other members agreed and soon brought various snacks, blankets and pillows to the living room whilst Hyunjin and Chan connected laptop to the TV. 

However, they were unaware of one thing. Specifically, Felix’s massive fear of horror movies. Upon hearing the title of the movie and what it’s about, he could feel the sweat drenching his skin and the thumping of his own heart against his chest. He pried silently that the others will change their mind and they will hopefully watch something else, but luck wasn’t on his side, and before he knew it he was sitting with his friends in the living room staring at the screen as the movie started.

He chose to sit in the corner of the sofa, next to the wall, so he could cover his eyes without getting too much attention from the others. Changbin and Hyunjin insisted that he sits closer to them but he refused, saying that his spot was perfect. Few minutes into the movie and the Australian dancer began to bite nails, the other hand playing with the corner of blanket he was covered with. The fact that the movie barely started made everything worse because it meant that things will probably get even more scary and Felix really had no idea how he was going to survive it. He was considering telling the others that he wasn’t comfortable with such films or maybe just tell them that he was sleepy and go to bed. However, when he saw how everyone else was enjoying the show, including the two youngest members and Jisung who was never a fan of horrors, he felt a heavy gulp in his throat preventing him from saying anything.

For a second he felt like a child. Like a child that wants nothing more than to just curl up in someone’s arms and feel protected from the outside world.

But he wasn’t a child anymore. Felix knew that it’s time for him to grow up and stop being scared of small things, especially something so insignificant like a movie. The others would probably just laugh at him and tease him about it later on. So he had no other choice but to endure this nightmare and hope that he won’t have even more of them when it will be time to sleep.

About an hour into the movie, after few jumpscares that almost made him scream, and things took turn for the worse. Felix couldn't breath, it felt as if someone was choking him. His heart was racing and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and wait for the movie to end, but they were only half way through it. A choked cry for help forced itself up his throat, and he felt a drop run down his cheek. His watery eyes enlarged and the hairs on the nape of his neck bristled. Despite having a blanket around him, a gaggle of goose pimples laminated the frigid, naked skin on his arms.

Before he realized it, he was a crying mess but it was too late to stop. The lights were turned on as he felt arms wrap around him and various voices frantically trying to get his attention. Face still hid between his knees, Felix only felt someone pulling him up and then he was sitting on someone’s lap as another person was trying to uncover his face.

“Felix? Lix, baby what’s wrong?” He felt Changbin’s warm hands gently lifting his head up. With teary eyes he looked at the other and bit his lip to stop further cries.

“Are you scared? Is the movie too scary for you?” Chan asked, pulling him closer to his chest and wiping the tears away from his face. Felix only nodded, not trusting his own voice, and hid his head in the crook of the older’s neck.

“It’s okay sweetheart, we are all here with you. It’s only a movie and nothing bad is going to happen to you, okay? It’s not real.” Hyunjin said, sitting behind him and wrapping him in a tight hug.

Felix nodded weakly and looked at Woojin who grabbed his hands, slowly stroking his fingers. “What do you say we watch a Disney movie and you can choose which one, hm? And I will make you some hot chocolate and we will cuddle all night, does that sounds good?”

The Australian showed him a small smile in response and the oldest boy soon disappeared in the kitchen. Changbin also left and went to his bedroom, soon coming back and holding Gyu in his hands.

“Do you want to cuddle Gyu too?”

Felix’s eyes widened a bit, lips parting slightly as he made grabby hands towards his favourite hyung. The older rapper chuckled and passed the toy, smiling widely as he saw Felix holding the plushie close to his chest.

“You look adorable cutie.”

Felix blushed, leaning his back against Chan’s chest and looking at the toy in his hands. “I’m sorry everybody for ruining the night. We were meant to spend it together, have some fun and I just-”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Bang Chan cut him off. “You have nothing to apologize for. In fact, you should have told us that you don’t like scary movies and we would pick something else instead.”

“It’s just a movie Lix. We can even watch the grass growing and have fun as long as we are together.” Seungmin sat opposite him on the floor together with Minho, Jisung and Jeongin.

“There’s no need to force yourself to do something you don’t like just because of us.” The maknae added.

“I just thought it was silly. I’m almost an adult and I’m still scared of something like that.”

“First of all there’s nothing wrong with being scared of something. Whether it’s darkness, spiders, horror movies or anything else.” Minho replied, holding the other dancer’s hand. “Second of all you are still technically a kid, and even when a piece of paper will say that you are not, you will still be our cute sunshine and little baby.”

Woojin came back with the drink as Felix’s laugh echoed in the room, brightening everyone’s mood. The younger Australian chose  _ Brother Bear  _ and soon everyone sat close together on the couch, Felix on Chan’s lap, with Hyunjin and Woojin on his right and Changbin with Jisung on his left. All of them had their arms wrapped around each other. Minho and Seungmin sat on the floor with their heads leaning against Felix’s knees, and arms wrapped tightly around the maknae who sat in between them.

Towards the end of the movie Felix was half asleep, his eyes opening occasionally. He barely noticed when the TV and the lights were turned off, and someone kissed the top of his head. He sunk into the warmth, their touch made the room even warmer somehow.

“He is so cute and adorable.” Chan said and nuzzled his head against soft platinum locks.

“Can we make him our fake maknae?” Jeongin asked and everyone chuckled quietly.

“Good try kiddo, good try.” Seungmin ruffled his hair causing Jeongin to pout.

The next morning Felix woke up with a big smile, even though he was in the middle of a mess of tangled limbs. But it made him feel warm, safe and loved, and he thought that maybe sometimes it’s okay to be just a child.

 

Fin.


	7. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix gets lost on the airport and suffers a panic attack. Lucky for him, he has eight friends who are there to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by: Robin1212

There were a lot of people. Way too many for Felix’s liking. He clung tightly onto Hyunjin’s back as the nine of them tried to make their way through the crowd to get to the parking lot where two vans were waiting for them. Felix was right at the end and he could feel people tugging at the sleeves and back of his sweatshirt. He tried to stay calm and ignore everyone around, focusing on the back of Hyunjin’s head. Just when he thought they almost reached their destination, someone pulled his sweatshirt and he fell backwards, landing on the floor with a loud thud. He looked up, trying to find out where the others are and get their attention, but all he could see were more fans surrounding him, some of them screaming in fear and the others looking at him with shock.

He quickly looked at the floor, unable to stop the tears from welling in his eyes. His breaths became more shallow and rapid, and no matter how hard he tried to take a deep breath he couldn’t, and the dancer felt like he was about to pass out. His thoughts accelerated all at once, and deep inside he was scared that the others didn’t even notice that he was gone. He was kneeling on the cold floor, curled up, and crying silently as everyone around seemed to get closer and closer to him. Not much was left of the space he had and he was scared that all the fans with come crushing on top of him. There was no air, he could hardly breath. So many people around him but not the ones he needed right now.

Suddenly he felt a pair of arms wrapping around him and pulling him up. He was ready to scream but his voice refused to cooperate, and all he could do was open his mouth in a silent plea for help. He closed his eyes tightly, as muffled screams reached his ears. All he could feel was the arms letting go and another pair wrapping around him in a tight hug, as fresh air made its way to his nostrils. The same person was helping him walk as his eyes were still closed. Felix was pulled onto someone’s lap and he immediately recognized their smell that could belong only to Chan. He snuggled closer to his chest and slowly looked at him, scared that he actually passed out and everything around him now was just a dream.

“Hyung…” The younger Australian whimpered.

“Hey, it’s okay. Hyung is here with you and you are safe.” Chan smiled softly and caressed his cheek. “We are all here and we won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Felix couldn’t help but burst into tears as images of what just happened came back. He was shaking as the older boy pulled him closer. He hid his face in the leader’s shoulder, gasping for air. Chan was rocking him back and forth in an attempt to calm him down.

“Lix, baby.” Changbin sat next to them and placed his hand of the small of Felix’s back. “You have to breath okay? Nice and slow, deep breaths.”

Felix nodded and lifted his head up, looking at Changbin. The black haired rapper was drawing patterns on his shoulder and the younger boy was trying to breath in synchronization with those patterns. After a few minutes of cuddling and sweet nothings being whispered to his ear, Felix felt a bit better. He could sit up and look at the others with an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry everybody, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

“Nothing is wrong sweetheart.” Hyunjin crouched in front if him and grabbed his hands. “I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry I didn’t do anything. I wanted to come back but the staff said they don’t want anyone else to get hurt so they sent our manager and security to find you, and we had to wait here.”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Felix nodded weakly and looked at Bang Chan who was playing with his hair. The action made him sleepy and couldn’t help, but let out a small yawn.

“Aww, my baby is sleepy.” Chan chuckled. “Do you want to go home and get some rest, baby?”

Felix nodded and allowed Hyunjin and Changbin to pull him up. In the car he sat between the two, snuggling closely to the dancer’s chest, as both of them had their arms wrapped protectively around the younger boy.


	8. Aussie moments

     1. Lean on me

Bang Chan yawned as he looked at his other bandmates who played around and laughed together after Stray Kids finished their VLive. He leaned his head against the bus sit and closed his eyes. He felt Felix shifting next to him, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in. Chan opened his eyes and briefly glanced at the younger Australian, before wrapping his arm around him and pulling him to his chest.

“This might be more comfortable.”

Felix seemed to be surprised before he smiled softly and leaned his head against the older’s shoulder, curling into a ball. “Thank you Channie hyung.”

“Nothing to thank me for, you know you can always lean on me.” The leader smiled and kissed the younger’s forehead, pulling him closer and letting him fall asleep whilst listening to Chan’s heartbeat.

 

     2. I won’t let you struggle alone

It was past midnight. Chan sighed and rubbed his eyes, as his entire body demanded well deserved rest. Trying to shake it off he focused on reading some of the lyrics Jisung and Changbin brought to him earlier. His tired mind however couldn’t grasp the meaning of the text and after a few minutes of struggling, Bang Chan decided to take a short brake, hoping that it would let him concentrate better. With his head lying on his desk, the cold surface sending shivers down his spine, the Australian heard footsteps behind him and then someone tapped his shoulder.

“Channie hyung, are you okay?”

He recognized the deep voice and lifted his head up, looking at the younger boy with a soft smile.

“Yes Lix, I’m just a bit tired. Did something happen? Do you need anything?”

“Well, actually…” The dancer bit his lip, but Chan managed to notice the piece of paper he was trying to hide behind his back. “I wanted to ask for some help with translation but I don’t want to bother you if you are tired and busy. I will just go back to my room…”

“Hey, wait.” The older boy grabbed Felix’s hand before the other walked away. He gently pulled him onto his lap and wrapped his arms around the small waist. “Let’s see what you got there.”

Felix smiled widely and Bang Chan felt a sudden rush of energy and inspiration run through him.

 

     3. Thunderstorm

It was raining heavily outside for the whole day and continued throughout the night. Felix couldn’t sleep, every sound of thunderstorm would make his body jump in surprise and cover his skin with goosebumps. Scared and frustrated he slowly got up, careful not to wake up his two roommates, and tiptoed to the living room. He sat on the couch and covered himself with a blanket completely, curling into a ball. Beneath all the fabric, he didn’t hear the front door open.

Felix felt someone sitting next to him and gently pulling the blanket away from his face. He blushed as he saw Chan staring at him with a soft but worried look on his face.

“What’s wrong baby? Why are you not in bed?”

“I couldn’t sleep, the storm is keeping me up.” The younger replied quietly. “I thought you were in the studio?”

“I was but the power was cut off because of the weather.” Chan said and pulled the other up, so he was sitting in front of him. “Do you think cuddles will help you sleep?”

Felix nodded shyly with a big smile on his face. Chan grabbed his hand and they both went to the leader’s room.They lied on his bed, Felix’s head on the older’s chest as Chan kissed is temple, and wrapped his arms protectively around the younger Australian.

“Good night baby, hyung loves you.”

“Good night Channie hyung, I love you too.”

 

     4. Freckles

Felix stared at his reflection in the mirror and sighed heavily. He was standing in the bathroom whilst the other boys were sitting together in the living room as it was their movie night and all of them were very excited for it. All except Felix who couldn’t bring himself to think about anything else other than his freckles. Those little marks on his face that have been with him for such a long time, and he surely should get used to them by now, but something in the back of his mind was stopping him from doing so. Like a whisper that would accompany him every day and night, telling him that his freckles were nothing more than a flow. He was different than others and not in a good way.

“Felix, are you okay? The movie is about to start.”

The leader’s voice woke him up from his trance and Felix almost jumped in his spot, completely forgetting that he didn’t close the door.

“Y-Yeah, just give me a second hyung.” The younger boy quickly turned on the water, pretending that he was busy with washing his hands. Chan stood next to him and placed his hand on the small of his back. “I can tell that something is wrong, so don’t lie to me. What is it? You are not feeling well?”

Felix shook his head and sighed, knowing that there was no point in hiding the truth from his leader and someone he trusted with his own life.

“Hyung… Am I ugly?” Felix asked with a small voice.

Chan looked at him confused with raised eyebrows and wrapped his arm around the younger Australian, pulling him closer.

“Is this about your freckles?” When Bang Chan felt a nod against his shoulder, he kissed the mop of blonde hair and smiled softly.

“Listen to me. Your freckles are something that make you even more special than you already are. They are like sun kisses or little stars but on your cheeks, and they make you look beautiful, eternal even I would say. We love them, the fans love them and you should love them too. And if anyone says otherwise, I will fight them myself. Your freckles are perfect, don’t forget about that okay?”

“Okay, thanks hyung.” Felix giggled and looked at the other boy, both of them smiling.

“Anytime, showing love for your freckles is nothing but pleasure.” Chan grinned and pulled the younger towards the living room. “Now let’s go and watch the movie with the others.”

Later on that night Felix drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face as someone traced small patterns on his cheeks, connecting the small stars together.

 

     5. Gift

“Happy birthday hyung!” Felix beamed handing the older boy a small blue box with a white ribbon.

Chan took the gift with a surprised look since his birthday party was finished and he thought he already got all the presents. He opened the box and found a silver bracelet inside. When he took it out and had a closer look, the older boy noticed words engraved on the outside.  
  
 _Our leader and guardian_  
  
 Chan grinned but couldn’t stop the tears forming in his eyes. He looked at the younger Australian who had a worried look on his face, biting his lip and playing with his hands.

“You don’t like it?”

The older boy didn’t say anything but spread his arms. Felix understood his intentions and jumped into the other’s embrace as Chan hugged him close to his chest and burrowed his face in the smaller boy’s shoulder.

"I love it, thank you."


End file.
